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The Towering Infernel - A tall tale indeed

So I read in this papersite I keep getting that the owner of Stantec (Mr. Stantec presumably) now wants to build an 80 story tower in downtown Edmonton.

And as usual I have a number of questions and concerns about this. But before that, a bit of background.

The tower will be a tower. It will be about 80 storys. More or less. Or more. Or maybe less.

The exact tallness of the stories aside, Mr. Stantec says it can be seen from 40km away in any direction. Once it's built that is. And it will be built in downtown Edmonton. Oh, and it will be a tower. (I think I said that already).

That's basically all the background there is to know because well, that's all the background there is I think. I mean, like it's a tower. So it's tall. And it's supposed to be in downtown Edmonton. So, it's in Edmonton. Not exactly groundbreaking technology here. Or groundbreaking anything actually except, well, the ground under it in Edmonton I guess.

And so here goes the questions and concerns...

Why doesn't he do it in his own backyard?

I mean like, the guy's a billionaire right? So his backyard must be like three or four or 7000 times bigger than downtown Edmonton. I bet it's even bigger than an abandoned airport.

So he has plenty of room for one measly little 80 story tower one would think.

So why does he want this one in our downtown?

If I were to build a massive tower, I'd want it in my backyard where I could keep an eye on it. So not in some dingy downtown where everyone could see it, that's for sure.

I mean, what if someone touches it?

40km is long way to walk

If you want to pretend the tower is only one story, you have to walk at least 39km away from the tower base.

So that's like walking to Millet. Or maybe it's Gibbons and you're actually lost. Hard to pin this one down since the tower is not actually built yet. So we can't really see it which means there is no way to actually test this theory.

But theory aside, get far enough away and that so-called "curvature of the earth" thing starts to kick in. So at some point supposedly you will only be able to see the top floor. Or maybe it's that thing that looks like an outhouse on the top of the top floor.

Either way, walk away long enough and sooner or later it will look like a one story building that is 39km away on a flat earth. Keep walking and eventually it disappears. Which means you never have to look at it again for the rest of your life.

Cool party trick eh?

Toronto is more than 40km away

One of the outstandingly great features Mr. Stantec keeps going on about is the fact that his tower will be the tallest structure west of Toronto and east of the Pacific ocean and north of the United States and south of the north pole.

Oh, and it will be in Canada too.

Wow! Those Canadiens. Building things.

But like the H1 tag says, Toronto is more than 40km away. So nobody in Toronto will be able to see it anyway. Not without a massive telescope and a flat earth that is.

So who exactly in Toronto cares about this thing then?

Everybody knows that Toronto is the center of Toronto. So, I'm pretty sure they could care less about some structure that is still shorter than their big tower.

It will be like an erect what?

Mr. Stantec also said this tower will be just like an erect body part sticking straight up and taunting everyone in Toronto who can't see it anyway.

Excellent!

I always did like erecting various long and, um, well, not all that slender body parts of my own to stick at Toronto.

What! No, no, no. Not that (but thanks!). I was trying to be polite here. But I guess you are all, well nevermind. What I meant was that I like to turn up my big fat nose at them too. Geez louise...

But even I have the decency to do it in the privacy of my own backyard. That way only all my neighbors with their cell phone cameras can see me.

But not that Mr. Stantec. That man has, well, no not that. What was it again? Oh yes: money.

So he can stick something that strongly resembles an artificial body part at Toronto right from the center of our downtown without even getting arrested!

I wish I had money.

Help is available

Everybody knows about that "compensation" thing. And we all know how it manifests itself in things like compensating salemen who sell Hummers and even giant yachts too, that is if you have an ocean and enough money to fill it with.

But dude, a tower that everyone can see for 40 km? I mean, I do get the "flaunt it and people can see it" thing. The people at the clinic told me it's called exhibitionism.

But some things really should not be flaunted. Or even compensated for.

And bro, do you even know how to share? I mean, did you bring enough compensation for everyone? I thought not.

Get help dude. NO! not that kind of help. Drugs, even that legal tax-weed stuff, is not the answer. The people at the clinic made that as clear as crystal.

I mean, get real, professional help. I know this place. It's at the end of this one story strip mall just off downtown. People there can help. Especially ... oh, um gotta go.. well, luck dude, find it and it will find you...



Stantec is a listed firm on the Toronto Stock Exchange (TSX:STN) as well as the Edmonton Lobby Register. On the Edmonton Lobby Register, Stantec is reported as being a lobby firm interested in "Transit Oriented Developments".
If you oppose the train you can complain to the mayor or your councillor here: City of Edmonton Website
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